The Ministry of Motherhood

"Ministry takes place when divine resources meet human needs through loving channels to the glory of God." -Warren Wiersbe

Lately the Enemy has been nudging me with questions. "Where is your ministry?" he asks. "Who are you reaching with the gospel? Didn't God say, 'to the ends of the earth'? Where is your impact?" The words turn over and over in my mind and heart and fill me with doubt and guilt. Indeed, I have neglected friends and family; spent more Sundays in the nursery than the sanctuary; passed by service opportunities here and there. The needs of my own children have come before those of others. Meanwhile, I read through Proverbs and it says to help the poor, the widow, the orphan; and I have done none of these. My sharing of the gospel has been almost exclusively with my children. Am I neglecting the Great Commission?

Last night I attended a powerful, heart-wrenching sendoff for friends of mine, who are moving to Cambodia to serve rescuees of sex trafficking. The suffering of the young girls who will be in their care is unspeakable. Their need for the love of Christ is unquestionable. And the hand of God in calling this couple to this field is obvious. As I reflected upon the gravity of their task, I asked God, "What can I do? How can I help?" This past year I have seen more and more that life is difficult. It is full of pain. There is injustice, cruelty, and incomprehensible evil inflicted upon innocent victims. Loneliness, discouragement, poverty, and hopelessness abound. The devil is real and the battle for human souls incessant. Where does a believer in Christ start? God has given us so many commands in the Scriptures; how can we fulfill them all? As I pondered these questions, I felt overwhelmed and saddened. I felt powerless to make an impact.

Then, I looked down at my sleeping daughter. And the Lord said to me, "THIS is what you can do." That is it. How can I make an impact? By obeying Him in what He has asked of me. I must pour out His love into my children. He made each of them unique and challenging, and gave them to my husband and I as His stewardship to train in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. For some reason, I have been believing that only ventures that are risky, or wide-reaching, or remote, or public, are worthy to be called "ministry." I forget how much I need to rely daily on the Lord's strength with these three souls He has trusted to my care: one bright, stubborn, and determined; one medically fragile and emotionally wounded; and one whose personality is still budding. Is not serving these three, by God's power, enough? At the very least, I know it is more than I can do on my own; it is impossible without Him. It takes more than what I have; it takes the resources of the divine. Thank you, Jesus, for promising that You would give me the strength to do it. Thank you that you have divided our lives into seasons, and that I can wholeheartedly devote myself to planting seeds in this "Spring" of my childrens' lives. May I be faithful, as you are faithful, to cultivate and nurture them in time for the Harvest. And give me wisdom to see what you would have me to do, every moment of every day.

God's Earthenware

Romans 9:20, "Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, 'Why have you made me like this?'"

The artist stands at his easel, a vision of perfection in his mind's eye. Stroke by stroke, he brings his idea to life. Steadily, painstakingly, a work of beauty emerges with each purposeful detail. Finished, he sets down his brush. Surprisingly, his tool is worn, mangled, deformed, misshapen. Amidst many others more pleasing to the eye, he chose this one for its particular usefulness.  And he stands back with delight, saying, "It is good."

In my son, the world sees disability, but the Lord, opportunity. God's economy runs contrary to ours; He delights to use His weakest vessel so that all credit may return to Him. Greater brokenness not only fails to hinder Him, it indeed even multiplies His glory, leaving his instrument to stand back and marvel.

Timothy, as long as you view your flesh as belonging to you for your own pleasure, you forfeit the blessing of God. Instead, you must learn to embrace God's purpose in creating you as He did. Consider yourself God's slave; desire to be fully His instrument; come not to be served, but to serve. Steward your body as you would the borrowed property of a King. When your suffering seems great, consider the agony of the crucified Christ. Offer your broken waterpot to God, and He will take it and shine His light through its cracks. Delight in the depth of your weakness and you will uncover a bottomless, flowing well of infinite joy. "My strength is made perfect in weakness," said the Lord, and Paul replied, "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities... for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." It is natural to question God, but always let your doubt be turned to trust as you rest in His grace and expectantly watch for His work through you. Place yourself freely in His hands and allow Him to use you howsoever He wills. He is the master artist, and His final work is always good.

Rom 12:1-2
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

A Message for Wives

This story is about Timothy, but I write it to wives.

After Timothy's birth, first surgery, and NICU stay, he came home with breathing that was squeaky and labored. Over and over, the doctors told us it was "stridor" and would go away. "That happens after surgery," or, "It's because of the intubation," they said. The surgeons, pediatricians, occupational therapists, nurses, neonatologists - everyone agreed. After all, the lymphatic malformation had been 95% removed, right?

Night after night, my husband would lay on the couch with Timothy, holding him upright to reduce the "stridor." Day after day, we would watch him struggle. And time after time, my husband would mention that he did not think Timothy was breathing well.

Now, my husband is a gentle, servant-leader and not a commander. He very seldom will give me an order. Like the Holy Spirit, he guides me by example, prodding, suggestions, and questions. And, because I know him, I knew that his "comment" really meant that he thought Timothy needed further medical attention. (Ladies, do any of you have a husband like this? Let us not give ourselves permission to disregard his word because it is not an outright command. Outward obedience to the letter, without inward submission of the heart, is disobedience.)

Every time my husband would mention Timothy's breathing, I did what every disrespecting wife does to not give the appearance of disrespect: I questioned him. "Do you want me to take him to the doctor?" I would ask, but my tone of voice said, "He's fine; that would be a waste of everyone's time." Then, feeling like he was overreacting (as I wanted him to feel), he would say, "I guess not," or something similar. "The doctors all said he was okay," I would say, to further prove him wrong and justify myself.

The scariest part is that I actually believed Timothy was alright. After all, I had a team of seasoned medical professionals backing me up. I had M.D.s, Ph. D.s, O.T.s, and every other bigshot educational degree you could imagine proclaiming Timothy's respiratory health.

But my husband knew something was wrong.

Wives, it was not Adam who was deceived in the garden, it was Eve. I was deceived. And not only did I trust in the worldly wisdom of doctors, I believed I was wiser than my own husband.

Have you ever secretly thought you knew better than him? Have you ever thought that you or someone else was smarter, more informed, stronger, or better equipped? Have you ever been ashamed or embarrassed in your heart, even though you would never say so out loud? My fellow wives, you know deep down that this is sin. 1 John 3:18-20, "Little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things."

God gives us husbands to protect, provide, and lead. The Spirit reveals wisdom to them so that they may fulfill this purpose. The Bible describes the roles of husband and wife as analogous to Christ and the Church. Would you harbor such thoughts of the Most Holy God? Then do not do so with your husband.

Now, back to my story. On Christmas 2009, Timothy started breathing more heavily. While I was nursing him, he stopped breathing for several seconds and his color blued a bit. "Well, the What to Expect book said that was normal," I told myself. (Again, trusting in a book over my own husband!). Then I went to change his shirt, and very clearly noticed that his entire ribcage was visible with each breath. Finally, I thought, "That doesn't look right." I called the Kaiser nurse; she said to call 911. Yet again, I thought I knew better - I decided we could bring him in ourselves. My husband offered to leave right away; no, I said, go ahead and shower and get ready first. (Still taking leadership over my husband!) So he did, and went on ahead of me.

When I did arrive at the hospital about an hour later, I entered into a mad rush to have an I.V. placed so that Timothy could get immediate intravenous steroids. The doctor on duty was pacing nervously and told me that my son would not have lasted more than a couple of hours in his condition. Within hours, Timothy was anaesthetized, intubated, and medi-vac'ed to Kaiser Sunset to undergo trachestomy surgery. I could not believe it. All of the doctors had been wrong. I had been wrong. My husband had known all along.

God was gracious to me and to my son that day. My ongoing disrepect for my husband's leadership could have cost Timothy his life. I am deeply humbled and reminded every time I look at my son's face that I should have listened to my husband. Ladies, honor your man. If he is a believer, and lives his life in accordance with God's Word, the Spirit promises to guide him as he leads your family. Know that you can be deceived. Trust him and submit to him and preserve God's protection over your life and loved ones. Take it from someone who knows.

True Beauty

2 Cor 3:18
"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord."

A couple of Sundays ago I spent the morning with one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. She was graying, wrinkled, and a little bit overweight. Her hair was slightly awry and she limped in function-over-form Grandma shoes. Her allure was not external. It was much, much deeper. It came from the Spirit of God, Whom she had allowed to permeate her being, transforming her into the likeness of Christ.

Timothy, God made you different in your appearance. Prepare yourself for stares, questions, taunts, awkward stolen glances, and feigned indifference. There is no question that you will feel hurt. What will you do with your pain? Your flesh will want to respond with anger, retaliation, and discontent. You may be tempted to deny, escape, or conform. But I pray that you would instead seek to see things from the Lord's perspective.

The Bible says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, that God knit you together in my womb and His work was wonderful. When he formed you, He crafted every detail of your body. The choices He made at that moment were for your good and His glory.  The world will force upon you its expectation of the ideal image. Reject it. It is a lie. For, if God Himself is absolute in beauty, should not Christ have been the picture of perfection? But rather it says of Him, "He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him." Isaiah 53:2

Instead, embrace the glory that God can and will reflect through you as you draw closer to His infinite splendor. You see, one day you will leave your body behind and, if my prayers are answered, be ushered into the presence of Christ. To dwell on your earthly appearance is futile. Cultivate your eternal beauty by sitting in the presence of the Lord and allowing Him to change you into His image. If you do this, your concern over your fleshly "defects" will fade, and you will find your joy blossom and your sadness melt away.

Timothy, this is the only answer to your plight. There is comfort in no other place. You may fill your mind with thoughts of yourself, or thoughts of Him. The choice is yours.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

Trust and Obey

Proverbs 19:3, "The foolishness of man twists his way, and his heart frets against the Lord."

There are two kinds of pain: that which we bring upon ourselves, and that which we do not. The first is overcome with obedience and the second with trust. To distinguish between the two requires wisdom which some never reach in a lifetime.

Timothy is well aquainted with innocent suffering. For two weeks his world was filled with every form of misery, all beyond his control.

But to stop at this understanding would make him no wiser than a fool. Maturity requires that he learn to distinguish between the pain which results from his own misdeeds and the uncontrollable suffering which was inflicted upon him without fault.

Timothy, obey at the forefront and you will be saved from the painful consequences of sin. If you do err, repent quickly and you will be put back on the right path. If you suffer without cause, consider it all joy (James 1:2-4) and put your hope in God.

At the tender age of 2, your heart is at a crucial crossroads. What will you do with both your deserved and undeserved pain? Will you obey and trust, or will you doubt and defy? When Adam fell, he blamed Eve, and Eve the serpent; will you accuse or confess? Will you run like Jonah, or rest like Job? I pray that you will choose the way of wisdom. Galatians 6:8, "The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

"Trust and obey
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey."

War of the Wills

Psalm 51:17, "A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise."

Today my son and I had a war of the wills.

I had to stand my ground; if I failed, we would both lose. It was not about the task at hand; it was about his soul.

When Timothy was in the hospital, it saddened me to see the loss of fight that slowly enveloped his being. While there, he learned that he was helpless to defend himself against anything that was planned or perpetrated against him.

But now that he is home and recovered, something new, deep, strong, and even more grievous has taken root in his little heart: resistance. Somehow he remembers all that he was unable to prevent and is determined not to let it happen again.

His error is that he cannot discern between wise and foolish oppositon. He sees me as the enemy when in fact I am his benefactor. He does not want to hurt now; I do not want him to hurt later. I love him far too much to let any root of rebellion take hold of his spirit.

Today all I wanted to do was forget about the command he refused to obey, scoop him up in my arms, and wipe away his tears. But this would have rewarded his unwise defiance and sowed the beginnings of apostasy. No, I drew the battle lines and won. Toward the end I shed my own tears. But what a sweetness of fellowship we had the moment he chose to submit to my loving authority.

Timothy, there will be a time when you do need to rebel. May it be against those who malign your God. But never make the choice to turn against Him. Your resistance will only create distance. He is much more patient than I; He will wait as long as it takes for your spirit to be broken.

2 Timothy 2:13, "If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."

The Father's Love

1 Corinthians 13:2, "If I... have not love, I am nothing."

I spent all afternoon on the rocking chair in Timothy's room. His naptime sleep had been fitful and restless until my weary husband set him on my lap. As I lay his head on my heart, his anxious body slowly began to settle. He smelled like formula and vomit, and his face was caked in mucus and saliva, but for us it was the sweetest seat in the house. I knew that in his sleep, my little boy was free from pain. And he, after days of resistance, had finally found peace, safety, and rest in his mother's arms.

All of the "urgent" matters that just days ago seemed so important have been completely swept aside. Difficulties have an amazing way of separating the temporal from the eternal. Psalm 73:25, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you." The world vies for our affections in every way and promises fulfillment apart from Christ, but in the words of Solomon, all is vanity and chasing after wind. Only in Him will we satisfy our heart's deepest yearning. Psalm 16:11, "In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

Last night I listened to the testimony of a man who had won millions in the lottery. His "good fortune" had led to the loss of his wife and children. With tears in his eyes he exclaimed, "I had all this money but I didn't have my family." What he really meant was that if he had not love, he had nothing.

One day Timothy will be too big to sit on my lap. Of course, by then he probably would not find the same kind of comfort there anyway. When that day comes, I pray that he would have the wisdom to exchange my rocking chair for his Heavenly Father's throne, sit on His infinite lap, and find healing, peace, and rest in Him. His arms are much greater than mine and His love endures forever.

A Greater Good

Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."

Timothy no longer trusts me.

It's no wonder; all week long his Daddy and I have been consenters, agents, and originators of his agony. We have muscled down his thrashing limbs for shots and IVs; constrained his quivering head for bloody exams; driven him to hellish, windowless buildings full of uniformed strangers wielding knives and needles; and abandoned him, terrified, behind closed doors only to wake up alone with fresh wounds. In his tiny 2-year-old mind, he cannot comprehend that any pain could be for a greater good. All he knows is that he has suffered and we have done nothing to stop it.

The hours we have spent comforting, consoling, and staying alongside him do not matter. The damage has been done. His confidence is lost.

Time, consistency, and relief will not build back his faith in us. No; the only way trust can truly be restored is if he chooses it in spite of the pain. He will have to do this in the absence of any logical explanation; for, even if it were given, he would not be able to comprehend it. Instead, he must place his faith in us, not because it makes sense, but because he believes that we love him and want what is best for him. This is a critical test for his little soul; for if he finds the strength to turn his heart toward his earthly Mommy and Daddy, he will take the first step toward eternal trust in a Heavenly Father who also allows pain without explanation for our greater good.

Timothy, I know you cannot understand why you have had to endure this hardship, but you must choose to trust anyway. Somehow, you must believe that the pain you have suffered came from a decision we made out of our deepest love for you. If you decide to believe in our goodness, I promise you will find rest for your soul. Trust in us, so that one day you will understand what it means to trust in God. His love is infinitely more deep, pure, and perfect than ours.

We love you.

A Broken Spirit

Dear Timothy,

For some reason God has chosen to acquaint you with suffering at a very tender age. This past week I witnessed the death of childhood innocence and naivete in your little soul. You now know what most of us do not learn until much, much later: life is difficult. Yes, there are joys, but as long as we are in this flesh, we will also experience pain. You understand this now; your spirit has been broken.

All this week, I held you, kept you warm, listened, prayed, and wept with you. Even for the hours and hours that I stayed by your side and wiped away your blood and tears, I could not wipe away your pain. This is for you to suffer alone, until you are freed from your earthly body and come face to face with the only One who can wash away every tear from your eyes for all eternity. If you choose Him, there will be no more crying, or pain; you will have a new body, perfect, unblemished, free from the curse of sin.

Timothy, as you grow to understand more about Christ, you must choose to let your brokenness drive you toward Him and not away. The temptation will be to blame Him and turn your back, but this will bring you nothing but more pain and bitterness. Instead, give your humble heart to Him, and He will strengthen you to endure, as He has strengthened your Daddy and me time and time again. He is faithful and compassionate, and though He sometimes chooses to allow pain, He stays alongside us in the midst of it as One who has also shed blood and tears. Trust Him even when it defies all understanding, and you will bring honor to Him, peace to your soul, and gain life for eternity.

Timothy, I love you as your mother, and I have and will do all I can to comfort you in your affliction. But now we both know that I, too, am weak and broken, and cannot take it for you or away from you. Instead, follow my example: continually place yourself in God's loving arms and wait patiently for His timing. For it only is a matter of time, Timothy, before your suffering will be ended. I pray that you will persevere.

The Grace of God

Psalm 32:1, "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered."

On our kitchen table sits a fish bowl. Most days, everything looks clean and clear. But when stirred, all the filth gathered on the bottom, normally covered and hidden between the rocks, swirls to the surface, showing the true nature of the water.

Nothing puts me face to face with the ugliness of my sin than trials. This past week has been a torrent of skirmishes against my selfish nature, most of which have been fought in my own strength and lost. Difficulties have revealed afresh my wicked heart: complaints, anger, doubt, impatience, self-centeredness, bitter speech, arguing, discontent, worry, desire to control. When things are "normal," these manifestations of my utter vileness are easier to hide, such that I deceive even myself into thinking I am "good." But when God shakes up the fragile order I have tried to make of my world, I am forced to cry out like Paul, "Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death?" Romans 7:24. Then I remember that all my righteous acts are like filthy rags, Isaiah 64:6, and I am driven facedown to the cross of Christ to plead for His absolutely undeserved grace and mercy.

Every day my children and I sing from Romans 12:21, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Truly, there is only one thing stronger than the baseness of my sin, and that is the goodness that comes only from God. Each time I set aside my own fleshly desires to tend to my suffering son, I experience this power firsthand. Only love can drive a selfish soul to choose the needs of another over its own. "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love is from God," 1 John 4:7. Only love can defeat sin. My skirmishes were lost, but the battle has already been won by Christ, when he shed His blood for me by choosing to overcome evil with good. Oh how helpless we would be without Him! 1 Corinthians 15:57, "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

Seattle Update #2

Timothy and Daddy had a bit of a rough night. Timothy slept for short intervals and had a good amount of pain. As of now, the bleeding from the trach is slowing down, they are weaning him off of supplemental oxygen and narcotics, and giving Tylenol and Ketoralac (a pain reliever/anti-inflammatory). Our usual Big Eater tried a bit of ice cream a couple of times but still isn't quite ready to swallow (hence a LOT of drooling). His lymphatic malformation is also swollen a good amount from the surgery trauma, but thanks to the g-tube, we have been able to decline more steroids. Timothy is trying to sleep on and off now after a few hours of DVDs. He wakes up pretty unhappy but eventually seems to calm once the drugs kick in.

Dr. Perkins saw him this morning and says he is doing well considering everything and, if we want, we can take him to Ronald McDonald house when we all feel ready. We will see how he does over the course of today and decide if he should stay another night. Our plane leaves tomorrow evening, but we can always change the flight if necessary.

Isaiah saw his little brother last night and was a little scared, I think. It was a good chance for him and me to talk (on a four-year-old level) about Timothy's pain and what he has to go through and why. I was touched when he told me he missed his brother and it wasn't much fun in the playroom without him. Of course, that might have just been because Isaiah didn't have anyone to boss around or listen to his nonstop gabbing! :) Our "deep" conversation ended with Isaiah talking about all the Doc Hudsons in the play room, and if he could have his lollipop. Sometimes it's good to get the perspective of a four-year old to lighten things up in all the seriousness.

Being back in the hospital is a good reminder of all the physical and emotional suffering in the world. I don't know why God permits our little boy to suffer, or the other children and families here (many of which are in much more difficult circumstances than we). I do know that I am ever more convinced that this world must not be our home. We long for something better, and difficulty makes it ever more clear. God created us for Heaven and that is where we belong. Yesterday I read from Psalm 30:5, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Try as we might, we will never escape this world's brokenness. Now we weep, but when this night is ended, for eternity we will worship in perfect union with our Maker. Praise God for the hope He gives.

Seattle Update #1

It's been a whirlwind of adventure in Seattle!

We spent yesterday walking through the University District, finally trekking up to Seattle Children's for Timothy's pre-anesthesia appointment. (The hotel shuttle we had been counting on didn't have a car seat for Timothy, so we took the 2-mile journey by foot - always fun with big hills, two kids, and a loaded stroller!) We didn't have a whole lot planned for the day and the Seattle rains stayed at bay, so it all worked out. While there, the Ronald McDonald House let us know that a room had opened up. So, we spent last night moving all of our things out of the hotel and setting up Timothy's "hospital" again. (Well, okay, Shannon moved most of the stuff.) Props to all those trach parents who travel regularly with their kids! We had always imagined it would be cumbersome, but now know from experience how much work it really is. Still, it is worth it - our new landing pad is MUCH closer and has free home cooked dinners, a play room for the kids, a loaded pantry, laundry, and saves us over $100 per night. Praise God for His provision!

Today we met with Dr. Perkins. After getting to see Timothy in person, he recommended a more conservative approach than originally planned. So, we decided forego the epiglottis portion of his surgery. Instead, he made a couple of "snips" in the area around his epiglottis in hopes of widening up the opening. Other than that, Timothy is now minus his tonsils and adenoids, and that's about it. Dr. Perkins wants to see how he fares over the next 6 months with the extra room today's procedure will add to his airway. There is a slight possibility that as Timothy grows, this intervention may be all that is necessary to get his trach out. Of course, there is also the more likely possibility that he will need more procedures in the airway; only time will tell. Still, we all agreed that doing less now and waiting to see what happens would be a better approach for Timothy. Why put him through more than he might need?

Dr. Perkins also recommended, at some point, surgery on the remaining mass that disfigures the left side of Timothy's face. Since this surgery is more "cosmetic" in nature (rather than functional such as eliminating the need for an artificial airway), we have been inclined to wait. That type of procedure would be more involved (i.e., longer in the OR) and require a longer stay for us (about two weeks) so would not have been an option today anyway.

Today's surgery went well and only started about an hour late (are they ever on time?). It lasted about an hour and a half. Right now Timothy is sleeping, so we will see how things go after he awakes. He had a rough time in the post-anesthesia unit, but I don't know if it was the steroid he was reacting to (he does horrible with steroids!), or pain, or disorientation, or whatever else goes through the mind of a two-year-old waking up from surgery.

For the long haul, Dr. Perkins is optimistic about the treatability of Timothy's lymphatic malformation (both in terms of trach removal and improving his appearance), and seems to have a great team behind him. He is also training up a doctor to come to Kaiser in Los Angeles (hopefully by August) so we could have a local contact for emergencies and in-between visits!

We are so thankful for all the prayers that we know have been lifted up on Timothy's behalf during this time. Our most recent memory verse for Isaiah's Sunday school has been Joshua 1:9, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." We know that God has been with us and has been our strenth, and we pray that as Timothy grows he would make God his personal strength as well.

A New Normal

I have gotten so used to life with my son's disability that I almost forget about it until something like a hospital stay changes from distant to imminent. Then, to my surprise, I am newly aware of Timothy's "special needs."

It's no wonder I have little time for contemplation. Not only am I a wife and mother with all that entails; I am also a caretaker, advocate, auditor, financial planner, string puller, and paper pusher. I meet constantly with "representatives" performing "evaluations" of my son. I navigate touch-tone menus, press "1" for English, and get put on hold. If I'm lucky, I get to ask the case manager at Agency X, live, to please do their job. I fill out paperwork. I get doctor's signatures, type emails, send faxes, compose letters, make copies, write lists, gather printouts, keep files, itemize inventories, place orders, pull records, and request refills. I organize, prioritize, maximize and sanitize. I always multi-task. I keep all the plates spinning. I have more hats than a royal wedding.

Not only that, I have even been known to get a government worker to get something done right away. ON A FRIDAY.

And I do it all with a bluetooth in my ear, a suction catheter in my hand, and a smile on my face. (Ha, ha.)

But in the midst of it, I somehow forget that it is all because my son has "special needs." Should I even use that term? Lately, as he grows in his language development, I consider more carefully what I should say around him. Yes, his needs are different, but so are the needs of every child. Does dwelling on the label "disabled" give me the right to cultivate bitterness about the added burden of a job I did not sign up for? Does it entitle me to sympathy from others? Am I excused if I want to wallow in self-pity?

A friend of mine recently commented that she did not want to have any children after age 35 because of the "risks." Risks of what? Is having a "special needs" child a blessing or a curse? For some, such as the family who recently won a "wrongful birth" lawsuit for their Down Syndrome child who failed to be prenatally diagnosed, a disabled child is apparently unwanted and unwelcome. But from the perspective of faith, all is under the sovereign hand of God.

I often think that God gave Timothy to me because I have the time, energy, and ability to care for him. When I became a Christian, I set aside my own agenda in place of God's bigger, better plan. John 6:38 says, "For I came down from heaven, not to do Mine own will, but the will of Him that sent Me." Caring for Timothy gives me the chance to deny myself and walk in the steps of Jesus. Yet even so, I fall far short of His example. I give my love to a son who, I hope, one day will thank, appreciate, and understand my sacrifice. But He so loved the world that He gave, continually, commitedly, and self-sacrificially to those who hated him; who returned His good with evil, hatred, slander, spitting, beating, and, ultimately, agonizing death. No, I will not complain. Hebrews 12:4 says, "You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin." May my example be Jesus, and may I delight to do His will.