Fearless

Psalm 23:4, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear, for You are with me..."

Timothy's surgery looms on the horizon. Against my will, it resurrects in vivid color all the painful memories that I have gladly let fade over the past months. Fear, dread, anger, worry, denial. Images of my tiny baby in a stretcher full of tubes, cords, and wires, rolling down a long, shiny, sterile hallway. Overworked nurses and intimidating, white-coated doctors. Strange-named medications, IV sticks, blood draws, measured feeds, beeping, whirring machines lit up like Christmas trees.

Why don't I like any of this? Because I cannot control it. I cannot change it, run away from it, or deny it. I cannot make my son better. I cannot take his pain for him. I can shake my fist at God for making us go through this, but what will it help? As Simon Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

It is never comfortable to be in the place Gods wants us to be. To grow is to endure hardship. When Jesus was face to face with his own mission of suffering, Hebrews says that "He offered up loud cries and tears to the One who could save him from death, and He was heard because of His reverent submission." I can rebel in my heart and go through this valley alone, or, like Jesus, I can offer my tears up to God and allow Him to take my hand and walk me through.

The choice is mine, and my son is watching.

God's Strength

Dear Timothy,

The day is soon coming when you will realize that you are different. This is a very important day, because at that moment you will take the first step toward either loving or hating the God who made you that way. If you choose the path of humility and joy, your fruit will be perseverance, character, and hope; and hope does not disappoint. But if you turn away and walk the path of bitterness, you will reap loneliness and tears.

Before you make your choice, consider Who made you. God knit you together in my womb; you are fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are His works. Your heavenly Father created you in just the way that would bring Him the most glory. Your weakness is His strength. Consider that you are in the company of one of the greatest of God's servants: the apostle Paul. He, too, had a thorn in his flesh - used by the Lord to humble him, so that a path could be cleared for Him to show His mighty power and grace. Timothy, I continually pray that you would have the attitude of Paul, when he wrote, "Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Know too, my son, that this life is short; trust in the Lord, and before you know it, you will have a brand new body, free from sin, pain, and suffering. As you rejoice before your Maker for all eternity, you will understand that this life is a vapor. Spend it giving, living, and loving. Turn away from self-pity and cultivate a heart of compassion. Do not let anyone look down on you, but set an example in speech, life, love, faith, and purity.

When others stare, jeer, ask hard questions, put down, ignore, leave you out, and tempt you to doubt God's goodness, turn it into an opportunity to declare His marvellous works. Proclaim how He intervened to save your earthly life on Christmas 2009. Tell others how he has sustained you and given you each breath. Be bold, as Paul was bold. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with a blessing. Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Bless and do not curse. Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will become like him. Have the same attitude of Christ, who, in His deepest moment of agony, prayed Father forgive them, for they know not what they do. Remember, like Joseph, that what the Enemy meant for evil, God intended for good.

Never for one moment doubt that you are any less loved, valued, or wanted because you are different. For some reason, God chose your father and I to have the awesome and overwhelming task of shepherding you toward Him. Be patient with us, as we too are weak, flawed, selfish sinners, fully dependent on our Savior for each moment. Live by our example of helplessness before Him, as He is a very present help in time of trouble.

Timothy, this is my prayer for you. I love you.

John 9:3

God's Servant

Philippians 2:5, 7: "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who... made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant."

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of Timothy's tracheostomy. Back when everything was new, I used tell myself that, by a year's time, I would be adjusted and no longer living in crisis. To some extent, this is true. But does it mean I don't feel a tug on my heart every time I see a healthy newborn? No. Does it mean I can hear another infant laugh or coo while my son remains silent, and not long to hear his voice? No. Does it mean I can watch a baby nurse while my son takes milk through a tube, and not cry later? No. Does it mean that everything is fine now? As much as I try to convince myself that it is - it is not.

It has been a year of stages - denial, panic, depression, acceptance, endurance. The chronic, heavy, sick feeling of the early hospital days has been replaced with a steady yoke of labor, busyness, and, often, fatigue.

During Timothy's recovery in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, the comment was made to me, "What a calling God has given you." Never had I expected God's call on my life to involve caring for a baby with medical needs. I had trained as a classical musician and was sure that God's "calling" would be something much more exciting, interesting, fitted to my passions and pleasures, and aligned with my talents. I had no interest in medicine, no natural ability, and nothing to draw me to it other than the necessity to preserve my son's life. But why did I never expect that God might call me, His child, to a task that only He could accomplish (through me)?

It would be so easy for me to dwell on the things I have lost: my freedom, rest, free time, social life, normalcy (whatever that is). There is no way to explain the helpless feelings, the day-to-day toil, the frantic scrambling to keep up, the loneliness that inevitably results from meeting Timothy's needs around the clock. I have gotten used to the stares, questions, and uncomfortable silences in public, but it is the private times, the times that no one can share or understand, that are the hardest.

So what keeps me going? Right after Timothy was born, a friend wrote and gave to us an imaginary dialogue between Timothy and God. "Is it going to be OK God?" Timothy asks. "Well Timothy, right now you're a little young to understand, so let's just say that I've picked out someone real special to take care of you," He replies. God chose us to care for this child. Nothing else matters more than God's will. "Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," we pray. Do we really mean it? When God's will is this clear, will we accept it and bear it with thankfulness, endurance, and joy? "In everything give thanks, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I can be honest about the hard parts of caring for my son, but in the end I must die to my own selfish desires and live for Him whom I call Lord. I must fix my eyes on Jesus, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross. I can say nothing in comparison to His suffering.

And if Timothy could speak, what would he say? I believe he would thank us for putting him first, for not giving up on him. I believe he would encourage us to persevere, to trust and honor God, for in the end there will be a reward. So this is what we do. And I pray that someday Timothy, too, will praise the God who gave his parents the strength to do it.

Hold Fast to Jesus

Luke 2:35, "...and a sword will pierce even your own soul - to the end that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed."


Nothing rends a parent's heart more than to watch his child suffer. While our own trials may tempt us to doubt God, being a forced bystander to the inexorable affliction of a precious little one dares us to turn our backs on Him completely.

Some time ago I heard a woman speak of being imprisoned in a Romanian labor camp for her belief in Jesus. While there, she was forced to watch as her son was summoned and then ruthlessly beaten before her eyes. What do you think this mother said to her son at such a moment? "Hold fast to Jesus!" was her exhortation. What could cause a parent to utter such words, when that very same Jesus did nothing to stop the injustice? "Curse God and die," said Job's wife. Isn't this the logical reaction?

When Timothy is at his worst the Enemy asks if I, too, will curse God. When spiraling down in the face of his wager, the solid foundation on which I always land is the truth of Jesus' death and resurrection. If true, then I can believe all that He said: that no suffering (including Timothy's) will be wasted, that heaven awaits with joys unspeakable, that this life is but a breath compared to eternity to come; that I have been saved from God's just punishment of hell. If false, then I am in the company of Paul: "If we have hoped in Christ in this life only, we are of all men most to be pitied" 1 Corinthians 15:19.

So, why do I choose the path of faith? Not because God also had to watch His own son suffer; not because I have nowhere else to turn; not because God has brought beautiful, abundant fruit out of the ugliest and most sorrowful times of my own life. No, I continue to follow God because I believe He is true.

So herein is the test: do you believe Christ is God? History says He rose from the dead to prove it; do you believe it? If so, you must trust Him even when it seems unreasonable, even wrong. Yes, it is a gamble. I choose to place my chips on eternity, for the benefits of being right about Christ, as well as the risks of being wrong, are both far too great to ignore. And, when Timothy is old enough to understand, I, like the Romanian prisoner, will tell Timothy to hold fast to Jesus.

Where will you place your bet?