Psalm 23:4, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear, for You are with me..."Timothy's surgery looms on the horizon. Against my will, it resurrects in vivid color all the painful memories that I have gladly let fade over the past months. Fear, dread, anger, worry, denial. Images of my tiny baby in a stretcher full of tubes, cords, and wires, rolling down a long, shiny, sterile hallway. Overworked nurses and intimidating, white-coated doctors. Strange-named medications, IV sticks, blood draws, measured feeds, beeping, whirring machines lit up like Christmas trees.
Why don't I like any of this? Because I cannot control it. I cannot change it, run away from it, or deny it. I cannot make my son better. I cannot take his pain for him. I can shake my fist at God for making us go through this, but what will it help? As Simon Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."
It is never comfortable to be in the place Gods wants us to be. To grow is to endure hardship. When Jesus was face to face with his own mission of suffering, Hebrews says that "He offered up loud cries and tears to the One who could save him from death, and He was heard because of His reverent submission." I can rebel in my heart and go through this valley alone, or, like Jesus, I can offer my tears up to God and allow Him to take my hand and walk me through.
The choice is mine, and my son is watching.
I will be praying for you guys, it is hard.... God comforts me and helps me through it- even when I have given him the cold shoulder (in the beginning of ME's condition). Can you imagine doing it without faith? I can't. After ME has been under anesthesia 40+ times, I can honestly say it's one of the worst things you have to do in life, to put your child under - even for the smallest of surgeries. I will pray for an easy recuperation and a smooth perfect surgery. If you need ANYTHING just inbox me or my husband. Otherwise we'll just keep it all in prayer.
ReplyDeleteYou both are doing an amazing job, he is a beautiful little boy. I'm sure he makes you so proud.
ReplyDeleteKeeping him in prayer.
Growth is good, but growing can be very very hard. I am so proud of you for keeping your eyes on God through all this. I had to have Josh put under very briefly for some oral surgery and that was enough to make me cry. I thought of you then, and how strong you are with the Lord's help. He is with you, never doubt it. I can see Him holding you up as you cry, through your anger and your tears. I can see Him in your words and in the beauty of your boys. I know this is so hard. I know it seriously sucks. But remember that you are loved, and that, as much as you adore Timothy, Jesus loves him infinitely more and He knows what is best for you and for your baby so much more than you or anyone else ever could. Keep going, Suz. One step at a time. You can do it. With God's help, you can do it. I love you.
ReplyDeleteOur prayers are most certainly with you. You guys are doing a great job. Like the person above, it's hard, it's not fair but you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!