God's Gift

Psalm 127:3, "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward."

Last night Timothy took his first real steps. It made me think of the past year and how far he has come. Then I realized that not only he, but all of us, are taking our first steps - wobbly, tentative, unsure, but full of earnestness and expectation - on this path God has chosen for us.

I remember the week we realized Timothy needed a g-tube. I was sitting helplessly in his room, holding him on my lap as he silently, furiously wailed. It was a culmination of several days - a bottle in my hand, trying again and again to feed a ravenous baby who refused to eat. Exhausted, broken, empty, I wept and cried out to God, thinking this must be what hell is like.

Since that moment the Lord has brought us from the valley of the shadow of death back to joy. Through those first steps last night, Timothy has symbolically conquered all the past year has brought him. Nothing can describe the feeling of watching that than pure, true, unadulterated delight.

Later that night I read about 17 other children who also had Timothy's same defect of lymphatic malformation. Unlike Timothy, these little ones received their diagnosis in utero. All 17 mothers chose to end their children's lives before birth. My joy turned to sorrow as I realized that they would never be given a chance to take their first steps, to overcome, to honor God and bring their parents joy.

When everything was new, I only saw Timothy's special needs; now that he is more familiar, I just see him. Finally, I understand why God says children are a blessing. Yes, they are a responsibility and sometimes even a burden. But through the gift of parenthood, God reveals a taste of what He feels for us as His own children. What a wonderful God He is to share this most blessed stewardship of raising His precious little ones! "Oh how deep are the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!" Romans 11:33.

Delight

Psalm 40:8, "I delight to do Your will, Oh God..."

The other day someone asked me what happened with my music, and I found myself responding, "Sometimes God's plans are much less glamorous than our own but much more effective in making us like Christ." Often I am tempted to consider what my life "could have been" and must cast off bitterness because my "dreams" have been set aside and replaced with such a tedious and mundane calling (at least as far as the world sees).

They say when you have a special needs child you go through a grieving process for what could have been. They say the end of this process is acceptance. On the contrary, the end of this process for the Christian should be delight. God has revealed through circumstances and His word that His perfect will and plan for my life is to care for Timothy, Isaiah, and my husband (Titus 2:5). If I fail to delight in God's will, then I forfeit the joyful contentedness that comes only from the Lord Himself. Psalm 73:26, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Would I have more joy making music "for the Lord" than suctioning trachs and giving tube feeds? If I cannot find joy in whatever circumstances I am, I have not found my contentedness in Christ. Philippians 4:11,13, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

God is using Timothy to teach me to find my contentedness in Him and Him alone. More and more I see that I am Christ's servant, that my life is not my own. I am His instrument to bring Him glory. This means that, not only must I place my hope in heaven, I must also live each and every present moment with thankfulness and gratefulness. For our family, this has meant running a long, grueling race which tests us in our love, not only to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, but especially to endure all things (1 Corinthians 13:7).

Jesus promised that whoever wants to be great must be the servant of all. Christ did not exempt Himself from humble, thankless service. His most important work on earth was shameful and agonizing. Am I willing to walk in the footsteps of He whom I call Lord and Master, with joy and delight? What glory this would bring Him, if others could see my joyful countenance in the midst of struggle, the only explanation of which would be the power of Christ Himself. God, please use Timothy to help me to honor you in this way.

Day in the Life

This is a sample of what it has been like to care for Timothy during his first year. It's not very fascinating, but I want Timothy to know how much we loved him and gave for him, and what our lives were like in the early days.

May 18, 2010

6:00 AM - Wake up, pump breast milk

6:30 - Shower, get ready while Shannon feeds Timothy

7:00 - Wake up Isaiah, help him make his bed, get him dressed, and treat his imaginary owie

7:15 - Prepare breakfast, eat, have Bible lessons, start washing dishes, show Isaiah how to seal a ziploc bag, give Shannon a kiss goodbye

8:05 - Change Timothy's poopy diaper

8:15 - Finish washing dishes, suction Timothy, help Isaiah stack his blocks

8:30 - Put Timothy down for his nap, suction him, and pick up the nursery

8:35 - Pump, make phone calls while Isaiah has sit time/quiet time (practice for doctor's office visits), prepare Timothy's bottles, wash dishes, clean poop off of Timothy's shorts

9:00 - Preschool for Isaiah - numbers

9:45 - Prepare dinner food, show Isaiah how to peel garlic

10:15 - Timothy up - suction, feed him peas and rice cereal, suction again; clean Isaiah's poopy diaper, give Timothy milk, spill milk all over my pants, clean pants, calm fussy baby, talk on phone to occupational therapist in Seattle, try to keep Isaiah quiet and out of trouble while on the phone

10:55 - Pump, two more phone calls

11:00 - Timothy's physical therapy visit

11:30 - Feed Isaiah lunch, put Timothy down for nap, have Isaiah help wash dishes

12:00 PM - Eat lunch, Mommy and Isaiah time, read Elmo book, wash my lunch dishes

12:15 - Visit from Heather

12:30 - Naps - Isaiah, Timothy, and Mommy

1:05 - Timothy up, diaper change

1:15 - Work on government paperwork, schedule doctor appointments

1:45 - Calm fussy baby

2:10 - Isaiah up

2:15 - Pump, read animal book with boys, prepare food for dinner

2:45 - Feed Timothy

3:10 - Cooking

3:20 - Mommy, Isaiah, and Timothy time

3:40 - Cooking

4:00 - Put Timothy down for nap, Isaiah time

4:05 - Cook with Isaiah

4:35 - Timothy up

4:40 - Cooking

4:45 - Calm fussy baby

5:00 - Cooking

5:10 - Pump

5:25 - Supervise toy cleanup time

5:35 - Get trach change ready

5:45 - Go through mail

5:55 - Set table, put away dishes, feed cat, finish getting dinner ready

6:00 - Shannon home

6:15 - Dinner

6:45 - Trach change

7:00 - Gym

8:30 - Watch TV, dessert

9:00 - Pump, make bottles

9:30 - Get ready for bed

10:00 - Feed Timothy

10:30 - Bed

Slaves of God

Romans 6:22, "...and having become slaves of God..."

God is using Timothy to teach us what it means to be slaves of Christ. We no longer live for ourselves, but are completely and thoroughly devoted to this stewardship with which He has entrusted us. I Corinthians says our lives are not our own, we were bought with a price - the cost of Christ's blood. Now that it is time to take up our cross as we follow Him, are we willing to do it thankfully and joyfully? His Word says that joy comes not from living for ourselves, but from loving others.

Right before Timothy was born, I was asking God what it meant to rely on His strength and not my own. Now, I am in a place where it is impossible not to do so. Each day I am faced with my own weakness and given the opportunity to turn to God and ask for His power to be made perfect. He is faithful and always answers.

We are also beginning to understand that there are two sides to humility, both of which are reflected in the free gift of eternal life given by God to helpless sinners: one side which comes from giving, and the other side which comes from receiving, what cannot be repaid. The enemy constantly tries to fill my heart with indebtedness to those who have selflessly given to our family in our time of need, for we have not the means to repay. How could we? Every moment of every day is filled with Timothy's care. And Timothy himself, at least now, does not thank or laud us or give back to us in return. We serve Timothy as slaves of the Lord, trusting by faith that He sees our love for Timothy, and that He will reward us in heaven, as He will also reward those who have loved us. And is this not how God is most glorified?

There is a picture of Timothy in the NICU in which my hands are firmly and yet gently placed on his little body, letting him know that he is not alone in his suffering. As I look at that picture, I see that God is using my hands to comfort him, that through my hands He is being Timothy's strong, loving protector. How humbled, and honored, I am to be God's vessel of compassion to my son. This is what it means to be Christ's slave: to be used of God, by His strength, to love others. This is what it means to experience true joy. This is what it means to know the love of God.

Thank you, Lord, for giving us Timothy, to teach us to honor You.