Courageous Motherhood

Deuteronomy 31:6, "Be strong and courageous... for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."


Compared to normal flesh, scar tissue is less sensitive, less flexible, and resistant to new growth. Scars forever change the appearance, texture, and physiology of the skin. In the end, scars harden.

The freshness of the pain of Timothy's early days has been replaced with the mundane tedium of everyday life. We have adapted and grown more self-sufficient. Our wounds have begun to scar.

Last night, we saw a film called "Courageous." Though aimed at fathers, the message penetrated the scarred, hardened heart of this mother. Time had diluted the acute pointedness of my pain, leaving an ache much easier to ignore. Yet the father in the story, faced with fresh tragedy, reminded me that through suffering God draws us to Himself.

I do not miss the open wounds of the past, but I do miss the sweetness brought by a fresh awareness of my utter dependence on Christ. I have let life slowly creep in on my relationship with God, my husband, and my beloved children, and I seek the Lord's grace and help to change. Praise God that only He is able to take my hardened heart and transform it into something new: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh," Ezekiel 36:26.

In the spirit of "Courageous," I want to make my own resolution to you, Timothy; because Biblical courage is not always showy, or outwardly rewarding, but it promises eternal rewards. Timothy, I want to promise these things to you:

To better hide God's Word in my heart so that it may always be readily available on my lips for your edification.

To choose face time with you over Facebook time.

To the best of my ability, to set before my eyes, and yours, no unclean thing, whether it be from a screen, a page, a relationship, a situation, or my own countenance.

To set aside my own laziness and commit to consistency in all areas of your training.

To pray with you, work with you, play with you, and enjoy you.

To seek God's best for you and never compromise.

To engage in the spiritual battle for your soul offensively, and not just defensively.

To the best of my ability, for your own good, to never let even the smallest seed of discontentedness, bitterness, anger, fear, hatred, disrespect, rebellion, or irreverence take root in your heart.

To model integrity and cast off hypocrisy in my own life.

To love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, to love and respect your father, and to love you and your brother unconditionally, as an example to you of what God's love is like.

Timothy, my prayer for you is that, Lord willing, someday you would grow to be a courageous husband, father, and man of God. May He give me the grace to be faithful in all that God has called me to in the overwhelming and wondeful responsbility of being your mother.

A Compassionate God

Lamentations 3:32, "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love."

"Good things come out of hard times," read the sign on my friend's refrigerator. She had handwritten it and obviously tacked it up as a reminder.

Lamentations 3:38 says, "Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and evil come?" How can this be? Don't we claim to put our faith in a God who is good? How can a good God allow a child to suffer? In our confusion we create man-made gods and ask them to give us "good" things, not realizing that only the uncreated "I AM" can allow both good and evil, and bring something infinitely more wonderful from their union than their separation.

God does not answer the "why" of evil. As a God of compassion, he instead suffers with us. He became a man and endured. He did not exempt himself; He played by His own rules. And through the most unimaginable evil ever to pass, the agony of the shedding of His own blood, He brought about the most beautiful event the earth has ever witnessed.

What good does God have in store in light of my son? For Timothy, I do not yet know. But for myself, God has, and is, doing an amazing work of sanctification. He has not healed Timothy's physical body, but He is healing me of my selfishness. Every time I am forced to put my own agenda aside to meet his needs, I must remind myself that this is His plan for my life, for that moment. My complaining spirit is cleansed bit by bit as He exhorts me to practice thankfulness instead of bitterness; acceptance instead of denial; devotion instead of selfish ambition. I rejoice over each moment with my son, knowing that he belongs not to me but to Him. Through it all, slowly God takes my stubborn flesh and uses difficulty to bring about the peaceful fruit of righteousness, Hebrews 12:11.

And like Paul, I exclaim, "Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!" Romans 11:33

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Things Above

Colossians 3:20, Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth...

Why is it that I am caught off guard now that God has asked me to forge the path He has planned for my child? After all, Jesus walked the road to the cross before us. How can I expect my son to follow in the Lord's footsteps if my own feet take a different way? No, I must follow God and, as my son follows me, by God's grace his path will also align with the Almighty.

Timothy, at times it has been easy for me to give you motherly advice, because I am not in your place. When people stare, it is not at me. When questions are asked, it is not about my appearance. When surgeries are scheduled, it is not me who will have to endure the pain.

I have a lot of answers planned for when you start to ask why God made you this way. Yet, do I believe them myself? Do I perceive beauty through God's eyes or the world's? Am I as vain as the next woman or do I truly believe Proverbs 31:30 when it says, "beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised?" Am I setting a good example for you? I fear that I am not.

And now, God has called me to trust Him with your future. Why do I doubt? God has done many miracles since your birth: keeping you safe through your delivery; preserving every major nerve and artery through major neck surgery at 6 days old and only 6 pounds; saving your life on Christmas day; providing you with sustenance when you could not eat on your own; moving his saints to many, many prayers lifted up on your behalf; keeping you safe through countless procedures; providing you with a wonderful doctor. Like the Israelites, He brought you, and our family, through the Red Sea on dry land, performed many miracles, and yet when there is no water I doubt and complain. Perhaps I have been trusting in your one earthly doctor to make you well, more than the great Physician and Healer. Remember that God is not nearly so interested in our physical healing as He is in our sanctification. He is calling me to have that heart for you, Timothy. Your physical body lasts only a short lifetime, but your spirit is eternal. 1 Timothy 4:8 says, "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." This is the heart of God, and this should be the heart of a godly parent.

Lord, help me to value the things of heaven and not of earth, to see as you see and not as the world sees, and to trust in You with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. "For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Surgery Update 3/23/11

Well, Timothy was quite a trooper today. After a 7am bottle of breast milk, he went without until the doctors finally allowed a g-tube milk feed after 7pm! He was a little cranky about that, but I would have been too! Fortunately, Shannon's latex-glove turkey balloons helped distract him a bit.

The surgery started at about 12:15 and lasted a little over 3 hours. Our last glimpse of him was a good one, as he was nice and relaxed from the dose of happy juice the anesthesiologist gave him (aka Versed). He was NOT a happy camper post-op, though, and it took quite a bit of distraction to calm him down. He did chug some Pedialyte (all they would allow), then (understandably) got mad when he realized it was really just fancy water. We finally got sent up to a room in the PICU, where he is staying tonight with his wonderful Daddy, who does night shift so his Mommy can get some rest.

Dr. Shin (ENT) was able to laser some of the area in the back of his tongue, near the epiglottis, where the LM was starting to close in on his vocal chords. The next step is to see how he reacts to the laser treatment (i.e., if the surrounding, remaining LM grows into and takes over the area removed, and how much and how well he scars). She and Dr. Feng (radiologist) were also able to sclerose part of the area under the front of his tongue. She was optimistic about the sclerotherapy, given his prior results with other areas of his LM. They also tried to sclerose on his left side under his ear, but the cysts in that area were to small to inject. After that they did a scope and ear cleaning (on the left where his ear canal is slightly compressed), and she said everything looks very healthy and functional. Overall, she was happy with what they were able to accomplish. A follow-up MRI should happen in a few months, along with another round of laser and sclerotherapy.

Timothy seems to be in some pain, but not completely inconsolable. They gave him one dose of fentanyl in the OR and he had not had anything after that as of 8pm. Shannon brought his bag of tricks (favorite toys and DVDs) and Timothy seemed content watching his favorite Signing Time tunes. Please pray for a quick and easy recovery for our little trooper.

Thank you everyone for your love and prayers for our little boy.

P.S. Special thanks to Pastor Duane for fighting LA traffic and Hollywood parking to be with us during Timothy's surgery. And to my parents for watching Isaiah, who apparently, and expectedly, is having a blast.

Fearless

Psalm 23:4, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear, for You are with me..."

Timothy's surgery looms on the horizon. Against my will, it resurrects in vivid color all the painful memories that I have gladly let fade over the past months. Fear, dread, anger, worry, denial. Images of my tiny baby in a stretcher full of tubes, cords, and wires, rolling down a long, shiny, sterile hallway. Overworked nurses and intimidating, white-coated doctors. Strange-named medications, IV sticks, blood draws, measured feeds, beeping, whirring machines lit up like Christmas trees.

Why don't I like any of this? Because I cannot control it. I cannot change it, run away from it, or deny it. I cannot make my son better. I cannot take his pain for him. I can shake my fist at God for making us go through this, but what will it help? As Simon Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

It is never comfortable to be in the place Gods wants us to be. To grow is to endure hardship. When Jesus was face to face with his own mission of suffering, Hebrews says that "He offered up loud cries and tears to the One who could save him from death, and He was heard because of His reverent submission." I can rebel in my heart and go through this valley alone, or, like Jesus, I can offer my tears up to God and allow Him to take my hand and walk me through.

The choice is mine, and my son is watching.

God's Strength

Dear Timothy,

The day is soon coming when you will realize that you are different. This is a very important day, because at that moment you will take the first step toward either loving or hating the God who made you that way. If you choose the path of humility and joy, your fruit will be perseverance, character, and hope; and hope does not disappoint. But if you turn away and walk the path of bitterness, you will reap loneliness and tears.

Before you make your choice, consider Who made you. God knit you together in my womb; you are fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are His works. Your heavenly Father created you in just the way that would bring Him the most glory. Your weakness is His strength. Consider that you are in the company of one of the greatest of God's servants: the apostle Paul. He, too, had a thorn in his flesh - used by the Lord to humble him, so that a path could be cleared for Him to show His mighty power and grace. Timothy, I continually pray that you would have the attitude of Paul, when he wrote, "Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Know too, my son, that this life is short; trust in the Lord, and before you know it, you will have a brand new body, free from sin, pain, and suffering. As you rejoice before your Maker for all eternity, you will understand that this life is a vapor. Spend it giving, living, and loving. Turn away from self-pity and cultivate a heart of compassion. Do not let anyone look down on you, but set an example in speech, life, love, faith, and purity.

When others stare, jeer, ask hard questions, put down, ignore, leave you out, and tempt you to doubt God's goodness, turn it into an opportunity to declare His marvellous works. Proclaim how He intervened to save your earthly life on Christmas 2009. Tell others how he has sustained you and given you each breath. Be bold, as Paul was bold. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with a blessing. Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Bless and do not curse. Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will become like him. Have the same attitude of Christ, who, in His deepest moment of agony, prayed Father forgive them, for they know not what they do. Remember, like Joseph, that what the Enemy meant for evil, God intended for good.

Never for one moment doubt that you are any less loved, valued, or wanted because you are different. For some reason, God chose your father and I to have the awesome and overwhelming task of shepherding you toward Him. Be patient with us, as we too are weak, flawed, selfish sinners, fully dependent on our Savior for each moment. Live by our example of helplessness before Him, as He is a very present help in time of trouble.

Timothy, this is my prayer for you. I love you.

John 9:3